Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
