I am midnight drunk by noon
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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