if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
