I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
