I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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