Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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