i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
