anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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