apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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