I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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