I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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