you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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