My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
