If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize