He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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