Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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