i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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