Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
