I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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