dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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