Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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