dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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