im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
