but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
