In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
