you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
