WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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