You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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