I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
