Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
