census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him