so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?