When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.