yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse