I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
