i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
