I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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