so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
