you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
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There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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