do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
