Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
