If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
