i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
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