quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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