The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
