last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
