if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
