you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
