My sheets look like a crime scene.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
