He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
