My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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