I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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