How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
