jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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