I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
