My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
