You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
