We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
