There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
