Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
