im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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