I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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