my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
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sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability