Texts From Last Night

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  (415): View more from California

  I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.

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  (415): I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me. http://tfl.nu/6ugc
  Replies (15) Good night (765) Bad night (2181)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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  (732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck http://tfl.nu/y61e
  Replies (35) Good night (1093) Bad night (6298)
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  (818): View more from California

  Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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  (818): Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales? http://tfl.nu/gvx1
  Replies (30) Good night (6896) Bad night (880)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level

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  (908): I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level http://tfl.nu/dixb
  Replies (35) Good night (6974) Bad night (649)
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  (714): View more from California

  turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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  (714): turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker http://tfl.nu/o91j
  Replies (14) Good night (9470) Bad night (1518)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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  (215): Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me. http://tfl.nu/119t
  Replies (10) Good night (3346) Bad night (1606)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?

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  (412): judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night? http://tfl.nu/fs5d
  Replies (4) Good night (2145) Bad night (905)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her

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  (201): i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her http://tfl.nu/006u
  Replies (5) Good night (1295) Bad night (675)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

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  (405): We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out. http://tfl.nu/ia59
  Replies (7) Good night (919) Bad night (3209)
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  (530): View more from California

  red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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  (530): red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song. http://tfl.nu/0nv8
  Replies (10) Good night (2159) Bad night (660)
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  (661): View more from California

  I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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  (661): I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love. http://tfl.nu/wt93
  Replies (8) Good night (990) Bad night (708)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.

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  (678): Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch. http://tfl.nu/ra61
  Replies (5) Good night (417) Bad night (741)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Great news I took pics last night

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies

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  (908): Great news I took pics last night (908): Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies http://tfl.nu/mrta
  Replies (2) Good night (823) Bad night (410)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.

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  (727): There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW. http://tfl.nu/nqj8
  Replies (6) Good night (780) Bad night (358)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard

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  (425): He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard http://tfl.nu/s58l
  Replies (0) Good night (1160) Bad night (291)

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