dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.