Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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