I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
